.what.a.year.

A year ago today I began to experience the worst days of my life! My mama went into the hospital for the last time and never got to come home.

This week will be hard on me and my family as we can’t help but think about this time last year. I have been having flashbacks nearly all the time. Just thinking about her last days here with us. How I never imagined she would not come back home. I think about the horrific experiences in the hospital, but also the wonderful people that took care of her in ICU. I think about the moment her heart monitor started to quickly fall, but yet I was so thankful she was not “alone” (her biggest fear). The complete emptiest I felt as I left the hospital that night (and still feel today). Discussing with Jennifer, “I wonder what mama is doing right now,” as we talk about our mama in Heaven the next day. It all literally seemed like a nightmare. I thought I would wake up any moment and life would be peaceful again. But yet, we were all so at peace with everything. Mama knew how to prepare us for the inevitable. She had a perfect service on a perfect, gorgeous day! God truly gave me an amazing strength that I didn’t know I had. Before all this happened, you could have told me the future and I would have told you there’s no way I would make it through something like that. But I did!

And then, we made it through our HUGE garage sale, sold our family home, made it through the birthdays and holidays, and above all else I was pregnant with mama’s first grandbaby. Something I never thought I would go through without my mama. Abby is totally my little miracle baby for sure! Abby Grace has helped me and my family make it through the most difficult experience of our lives! Jennifer says it best – “our saving grace.” She gave us the opportunity to prepare for a new little life. Nearly every time I look at her, I see my mama. And now, we get to prepare for little Emily! Preparations for this little baby girl are in full swing! I know in my heart these babies were sent to us because of mama. Oh how I wish I could talk to mama about these gorgeous babies!!

I just hope God gives me the strength to get through this week – especially next Monday. September 14^th marks the one year anniversary that mama went to be with Jesus. A breakdown moment is on the verge at any second – I just feel it! I keep hearing my mama’s voice in my head and thinking of all sorts of memories – good and bad. I would give anything to have her here with me!!! I love you mama!! Abby and Maggie love their Mimi too!!